Goodness Blog

You become who you spend your time with...

It's true.  You become who you spend your time with. 

To illustrate how I know this, I want to share a story.

In this story, I turned into someone else.  Yep, you read that correctly.  Here it is:

I've recently started thinking about dating again (here is some background on that).

To kickstart dating, I started a conversation with an old fling.  Texts.  Lots of text messages.  Fun, light and exactly what I needed.

At first.

And then I realized something: I was shrinking.  I was shrinking down, to try to fit into what I thought he wanted and needed me to be (which was polite, attentive and an amazing listener), as that was what he responded best to.

But it didn't feel good to me.

When I tried to be myself (which in addition to being polite, attentive and an amazing listener, is also badass, bold and generous-hearted), he disappeared.  Ghosting, I think is what the kids are calling it these days.

And it hit me: I can't do this.

I can't shrink down to what someone wants me to be.  It only leads to resentment, anger, and nastiness.

But the funny thing?  I was spending a lot of 'time' with this man.  And I became him.  What?  Yep.  I became him.  Stick with me.

I became impatient, unreasonably demanding, and an a**hole.  I did the same things to those around me, expecting them to bend to how I wanted them to bend.

I know.  

That's bullsh*t.  And that's not me; I'm generally not a dick.

I'm so glad I realized it.

Now, I am only willing to spend time with those who I can be myself around.  

And I instantly know if I can be myself around someone.

I can feel it in my gut.  I just need to listen to it.

That's not to say that this description of this man is accurate, or even true.  It's my perception, and gave me a lesson I needed to learn. 

I'm writing this to you, to remind you that it's okay to let people go. 

It's even better to focus on finding the people that light you up, and offer mutual support.  The people that you can be a complete dumbass around (in my case; for you, it may be someone you can sing-at-the-top-of-your-lungs-with, or someone you can just sit-in-silence-with).

I will focus on those people, if you will.

We'll both be much happier for it.

 

Sending you many hugs (but not resentful hugs, because I know that if you're reading this, you f*cking rock),

Amanda

P.S. If someone can make you guffaw like I am clearly doing in this super flattering photo from Sunday, they're solid.  This guffaw was courtesy of the one-and-only Adrienne Perrot, and the one-and only Dananjaya Hettiarachchi, who I am proud to call friends (check out their websites for some serious inspiration).  Hugs!

The Guffaw by Amanda Perrot

 

 

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