Goodness Blog

Moving forward...

I crouch down, in the back storage area of our office building.  The sun streams in through the skinny horizontal windows in the large overhead door, onto me.  It is warm in comparison to the coolness of the concrete below me.

I crouch down, looking at the shipment of vinyl that came in this morning.  I check pieces off the packing slip, to ensure we received everything.  You know, a regular day in the life of a small business owner.

But in truth, I am hiding.  Even though I am open and honest with our team members about this whole separation thing, sometimes, you just need to hide.  10 minutes ago, I started crying while working with my Mom, assembling decals, in our main production area.  I was telling her that I just spoke on the phone with my ex-husband.  That we're sorting through the last of the papers (vehicle registrations...who knew there would be so much paperwork?).  And that he just told me that they got their new Brewery permits and ordered equipment and they were featured on a beer blog and then a radio show, and that he has to go because his friend is there to pick him up to go see his sister and new niece.  And that Ruby is doing well - she goes on daily walks and has only escaped the house twice to go on solo adventures.

As I relay this information to Mom (as Mom and my ex worked well together for 5 years, she wants to know his exciting updates), I suddenly feel a mixture of extreme gratitude, grief, and something I can't quite put my finger on.  Sadness, perhaps, that we didn't have that life together, where we were both happy and thriving.  Relief, perhaps, that I had the courage to make the scary change.  I know that if I had held desperately onto my marriage, that this possibility of his opening a brewery in Nova Scotia wouldn't have happened anytime soon (it may have happened without him...but he likely would have stuck it out in our marriage, despite the unhappiness...and I do love him for that).  So this moment of crying is not out of simple sadness.  It is out of an overwhelming mixture of feelings...and it simply needs to escape.

As I meticulously receive our vinyl order, I try to gather my composure.  I don't often cry at work, and we have customers coming for installations and orders.  I need to pull my sh*t together.  

And this is where the beauty of sisterhood comes in (yes, my Mom is one of my sisters): my Mom knows I'm crying, as she sees me bolt to the back storage area.  She knows it's busy as hell at work...but she comes out to see me and says: "I can throw your car keys out the back door so you can go home and don't have to face anyone if you don't want to.  Whatever you need to do."

But I pull my sh*t together.  Some days, you need to crumble.  But some days, you need to dig deep into your depths and find strength.

And in that moment, I realize this:  This is exactly where I want to be.  This is exactly what I have chosen.  Because even though the sadness and letting go of what 'was' hurts, it is far outweighed by the beauty of my life right now.

Freedom for me, freedom to be myself, freedom to keep creating my life.  Because my future feels amazing.

Gratitude for my ex, and how he is making strides to be happy.  To do the thing that he loves.  I've only ever wanted him to be happy...and if that means that we are no longer together...then that's okay.  In fact, it's perfect, and could be no other way in this moment.

I stand up.  My legs ache from squatting for so long, and I shake them out.  I look out at the sunlight (god, I love summer), and I shake everything off.  Nothing like a little shimmy to make everything right, amiright?

I am grateful.  I am happy.  I am okay. 

Now?  On with the day.

Sending you so much love,

Amanda

P.S.  Thank you for all of your support lately.  Support for my personal stuff (like this post) and for our Mental Health Collection and related blog posts.  We appreciate your kindness and for simply being here, reading these words.  It means the world to us!

Photo credit (photos taken before Ruby left for Nova Scotia): Jade Lauren Photography

 

 

  • Jade Tyacke says...

    Beautiful Amanda… your deep knowing, ever self investigating and grace with words are so touching.. so raw, so inspiring. Strength and softness intertwine and I’m so thankful I took the time to read your sharing!

    On Aug 06, 2017

  • Tracy says...

    I love how you are so willing just be in the moment at that moment. It all a process and you are willing to move through it and forward!!!! Yeah YOU!!! You ROCK Amanda.

    I sent you a personal message. If feels light to read it and use.

    On Aug 04, 2017

  • Amy says...

    I love you so very much wise, kind, beautiful sister! This post is beautifully and authenticity written…a work of art…just like you!!

    On Aug 04, 2017

  • Chantal says...

    This was so beautiful. Thanks for sharing. It was exactly what I needed today as I also ran into some feelings I thought I had dealt with. Sometimes they just catch you by surprise and you just need to let it all out…until your three kids start worrying…then you suck it up and carry on. ?

    On Aug 03, 2017

  • Gurinder Basra says...

    Hey Amanda, I am sad that your marriage didn’t work out, sad that I haven’t talked to you in ages, sad that I couldn’t be there to hear these words that I’ve just read. But yet, I know you are strong and you can only be strong if you have these small moments of shaking the unhappiness out of you. Can I tell you that a lot of people think I’m strong with what I’ve been through with my health and I guess I’ve just been really positive about the whole thing. But you know, when we used to get those Fridays off, the kids would go to school and Sarj off to work and it would be just me. I would take a shower and cry my heart out ? I would scream out loud and ask why me, I would hate that I was so sick, that I would have to take all these medicines, that I’d become so deaf and weak. I’d cry and cry and then by the end of the shower, I would have decided that I was done with the crying, I would towel myself off and as I’d wipe the wetness off my face, I’d be ready to be that lion for the rest of the week because I have a beautiful life and because I have so much more than what I had lost. So go ahead my friend, feel that moment when you can’t hold it in because you shouldn’t and then go be that lion that you are. I love you and miss and wish you all the best for the future. By the way, it’s been quite a few years where the crying just stopped and sometimes I look back but mostly just forward ❤️

    On Aug 03, 2017

  • Angella says...

    Hang in there, my beautiful friend. Embrace all your happiness, and embrace the hurts. I have learned that the hard times shape you and your life as much as the easy times. The “hard” is what makes it great.

    On Aug 03, 2017

Leave a comment