In any moment, you get two choices.
Here I am, lying awake. It's 3am.
I kick my blankets off, as it's too hot. Ugh, I always go to bed cold and wake up hot.
As I lie there, my mind takes a trip through a range of topics: finances, family, friends.
I start to notice that every one of these thoughts is based around this theme: I'm not enough.
'I'm not financially smart enough. I don't have enough savings.'
'I don't spend enough time with my nieces and nephew. I'm not a good aunt.'
'I'm not pretty enough for that man to text me back.'
I'm not even sh*tting you. These are the thoughts that usually run through my head at night. Sound familiar?
(Mind you, thoughts at night should be taken with a grain of salt. They're mostly not rational, especially in the light of day. But you don't remember this when you're in the middle of it.)
Then it hits me: f*ck this.
I speak about being kind to one's self all the time. And in this moment, I'm not being kind to myself.
And then it becomes clear, like a cloud drifting away to uncover beautiful stars and the moon ('cause it's nighttime, and I like cheesy metaphors):
In any moment, we get two choices: 1) be a dick to ourselves, or 2) be kind to ourselves. That's it. There are no other options.
(This is what it was like when this clarity hit me: clouds clearing. The veil had lifted.)
In the above examples, I am absolutely, 100%, being a dick to myself.
'Well, how can I be kind to myself then? Like, legit kind?' I ask myself, as I put one leg back under the covers, and listen to the water softener start to cycle.
It's a bit difficult at first, I'm not gonna lie. I think: 'Well, these thoughts might work: 'I'm just doing my best,' or 'I'm still learning,' as they relate to finances, family, friends.'
But these thoughts fall short; they're another (more subtle way) of beating yourself up.
Then I think these thoughts:
'I can't screw this up. Everything is perfectly timed.'
'I know what's best for me, in any given moment.'
'I can trust myself, completely.'
Yes. That's better.
These thoughts feel so much better. Kinder. But also more empowering. Feisty, even.
And the reality? I am doing well financially. My friends and family love me, and I love them right back. We just tell ourselves awful stories.
In that moment as I lie in my bed, I choose to be kinder to myself in any given moment. It won't be perfect, as I'll fall back into old patterns. But now I know that I can be aware of my dickish nature, and choose differently.
As my bed cradles me and I wiggle my toes against the soft sheets, working this all out (you could see the gears turning in my head), this simple mindset shift brings feelings of quiet, peace, and calm. And you know what's a great result of that? Falling back asleep, as I soon find out. Like, drool-all-over-the-pillow sleep.
I'm sharing this with you, because if you've read this far, you likely are a dick to yourself too. And it's okay. It's just a matter of choosing kinder thoughts, in any given moment.
Hugs to you,
P.S. Leave a comment below if this post created any 'a-ha' moments for you. While I can't reply directly to your comment (we're still sorting out the comments section), your insight might help others reading this post!
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