Are you censoring yourself?
Here I am, sitting in my office in St. Brieux. I’m rocking out to ‘Dirrty’ by Christina Aguilera, circa 2002.
Yes. ‘Dirrty.’ The same song that I shook my ass to at the bars I frequented while in university.
This is mortifying to admit.
Even more embarrassing? I’ve had it on repeat all week.
“Why the hell am I so drawn to this song right now?” I ask myself.
When I remove my judgment of myself for being a dork, I realize I’m loving ‘Dirrty’ for two main reasons:
- This song caused such a stir back then because of its controversial video and lyrics. It was scandalous...I remember that clearly. I have no doubt that Christina was called all of the labels: slut, whore, all of it. But the reason that it was so ‘alarming’ was that this song was such a departure from the types of songs she normally released; previous songs were very ‘good girl,’ very full of yearning about boys...very well, soft. ‘Dirrty’ is clearly the opposite of that. It’s elevated in its beat, its sexuality, it’s ‘rawness.’ It’s as though Christina removed the censors and let herself just be. Right now, I can relate to this. As I write my book, I can feel myself sinking into the rawness. I am consciously choosing to remove all of my filters, all my censors, all of the ‘pretty’ words I think I should use. Because at the core of me, I am blunt. I am feisty. I’m not necessarily smooth or polished, but I am real. And I’m willing to share it. Listening to this song over and over reminds me to stay in that energy of realness. Over and over.
- I also love this song because it brings me back to my university days, where my sisters and friends would go to bars and let loose. I’d dance and dance and dance until I had “sweat dripping over my body,” as Christina would say. Dancing was one of my favorite parts of university. The learning was cool too. But moving my body and just allowing myself to get in the flow? I felt so damn alive, surrounded by people who loved it too - my community at the time. So freeing, so fun, so me. Remembering this feeling, by listening to this song over and over, is reminding me to bring those feelings of freedom, fun, and simply being me into the writing of my book.
The whole point of this blog post? Let’s remove our censors. Let’s remove our filters. Let’s stop doing the stuff we think we should be doing. Instead, let’s own our sh*t and follow what feels true to each of us. That’s when the fun stuff happens.
As Christina would say: “Let’s get open, cause a commotion.”
Let me know in the comments below if you’ve had enough of censoring yourself. Or maybe you have a story about a time in which you uncensored yourself and how freeing it was. I would love love love to hear from you! We can metaphorically shake our asses together.
Your sister in making noise,
(This photo is from one of this summer's Saskatchewan Sisterhood events (thanks for the photo Mandy!). I definitely removed my filters and censors during these events, and I'm thrilled that I could. Thank you to everyone who attended and hosted!)